just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
