there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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