Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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