Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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