I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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