Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Randomize
