I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
