You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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