Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
