He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
