I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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