Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
