Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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