Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
