i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize