The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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