I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
