HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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