I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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