Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
