I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
