So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
