I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
