just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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