i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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