I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize