My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
