If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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