What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
