Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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