At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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