ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Everything about him screamed your future.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
