i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
