Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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