I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
