It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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