Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
