I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
