someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize