Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
