the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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