Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
