rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can you bring me the toilet please
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
