there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize