sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize