listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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