someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
