Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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