I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You dont lie about slip and slides
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I AM VODKA MAN
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
