I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize