You don't have asthma, your pregnant
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
