I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
