I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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