I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
