if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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