So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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