My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
