reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
