My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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