Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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