I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize