I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
